Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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