dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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