life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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