i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
