btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
