I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
