I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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