I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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