the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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