listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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