So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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