I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I didn't notice because vodka
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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