I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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