I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
