Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
