He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
