glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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