Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize