Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
