Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
