I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
