my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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