I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize