Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
