Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh god it's open bar.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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