I met the friendliest cop last night
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
