I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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