Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
