I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
