My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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