i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
