I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
