I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize