we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
