also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
