My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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