did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
