Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
