Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
