Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
