I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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