Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
