We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
