haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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