During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Bring me that man meat
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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