I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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