She said her name was "party"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
