I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize