i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
it's not cheating when I paid for it
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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