i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
As shirtless as possible
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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