A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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