I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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