it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
