Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
