Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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