batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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