What did we do last night that was yellow?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
