How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
