Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
