I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
