I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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