WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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