Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
