I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
