I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
