nut hugger
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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