You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
