I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
