Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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